It’s an unremarkable day, like any other. It is, for the first wife, a day filled with sadness, anxiety, and insecurity. She goes on walks like this to try to find peace and relief from the constant, soulish agony of feeling unloved. For the second wife, it is a day filled with joy, peace, and contentment. She seeks times like this to behold the beauty of God’s creation.
When their paths converge and they bump into one another, they quickly apologize, exchange pleasantries, and begin to press on, absorbed in their own thoughts. However, the second wife notices the rounded shoulders and the sad countenance of the first; so, she’s compelled to inquire what is weighing her down.
How can two people be in the same place and have two such drastically different experiences?
The first wife intimates that she doubts her husband’s love for her. She lives to make her husband happy, bending over backwards, sacrificing her own time and energy to serve him as lord of her home. She cooks and cleans for him and their children. She seeks his approval at every corner, mostly out of fear of losing him. “It’s not healthy,” she admits. She’s really hoping this third marriage of hers will be the one that works out – deep down she knows how this story ends - the writing is already on the wall.
The first wife lives and strives to be loved. Though she doesn’t feel it yet, she hopes someday she will. Until then, she’s a ball of tangled emotions, never secure, tortured. Happiness flees from her.
The second wife is terribly upset upon hearing the first describe her existence. Their lives seem completely opposite. She’s been married to the same man for forty years and, for the most part, has always felt secure. She serves her husband and family with great joy because she knows she’s loved. To her, she is free to express herself, to love with abandon, not for the sake of approval and self-worth, but rather simply for the sake of love, itself. She basks in the sphere of love. Happiness runs to her.
The second wife knows she’s loved, always has, and it makes all the difference.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
-Ephesians 5:22-33
I don’t have the space to sufficiently analyze why the first wife finds herself in such unfulfilling circumstances; suffice to say that both she and her three husbands are at fault. However, the Bible teaches that it is a husband’s duty to submit himself to his wife’s care, by loving her as Christ loves His Bride, the Church.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
-1 Peter 3:7
A husband who belittles his wife for feeling insecure needs to retract in immediate shame and look at himself in the mirror! If a woman doesn’t feel loved in her marriage and therefore is insecure, his first suspicion should be with himself (How might he be failing her?). Chances are, he does not regard his wife the way God does! It’s hard to be a good wife when the husband is defunct.
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
-Proverbs 31:10-12
Is the husband the sole reason for a wife feeling unloved? Not at all. I’ve met a lot of women who have admitted to self-destruction in marriage, to little or no fault of their husband, simply because they lacked the constitution for it. A woman seeking the approval and love of a man when they ought to first be looking at Jesus Christ is a recipe for disaster. Knowing this, some women will beat the inevitable to the punch! But not the wise woman.
The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
-Proverbs 14:1
If a husband loves as Christ loves His Bride and the wife remains unchanged, then let her pray to God about it. This brings me to my final point…
Since every believer is betrothed to Jesus Christ, we have the opportunity to be like one of the two wives above. Given Jesus’ perfection, there’s never a reason to question His faithfulness in loving us. Christ’s love for us is implicit, unwavering, and complete. There’s no cause for insecurity assigned to a perfect husband. This leaves us to deal with our own “baggage”.
Why does one believer live in doubt and insecurity, possibly even trying to earn Christ’s approval, while the other simply basks in His love? Easy, the first doesn’t know Christ the way they ought to (if, indeed, they do – 2 Corinthians 13:5) while the second does. To know Christ is to know love.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.
-1 John 4:18-19
God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.
We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.
We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.
-1 John 4:17-19 [Message]
An “insecure believer” is an oxymoron. To have Jesus Christ as your Husband and to remain insecure in His love for you is a tragedy.
If there’s ever a reason to be secure in a marriage, it’s with Christ. If there’s ever a reason to feel loved, it’s because of Christ. If there’s ever a reason to rejoice always, it’s in Christ.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.
-John 15:9-12
Love in Christ,
Ed Collins
